Frustrated, fat & bored

Its been a while once again since I last blogged. Life just gets in the way sometimes. things are relatively good at the moment. holding at 249 lbs. for the last month or so. I was good over Easter and somehow managed to not gain a pound. :) I've been looking at what I eat and thinking "how the hell have I not hit 300 lbs yet??!?!?!!?!?" Its all about will power - I have none it seems. Kids Halloween candy (yeah I know its old now), Easter candy, anything chocolate within my reach or sweet - and I eat it. Its TOM this week and I have become uber-bitch it seems. I snap at the littlest things and wnat sweets like there is no tomorrow. I'm being good and mostly sticking with fruit, yogert, or my 100 calories candy bars. I just all out feel like crap today and its showing in everything I do.

As far as exercise goes its warmer here in Michigan and there is no longer any snow so I think I am going to get back to walking again. From my house to the kids bus stop its a quarter of a mile. I'm thinking of walking to there and then continuing on to the end of the walkway along the main road. It has to be at least 1.5 miles one way. I was walking 4 miles with a friend at the beginning of the school year. I'll have to see if she wants to start doing that again. I just have to fight the rain to get this done. Maybe I'll even break out my bike and ride some - yikes thats a scary thought.

Last my diet. HAHA thats a huge laugh right now. I have the gung-ho approach to everything I do and then once something causes a snag I stop dead in my tracks. I am an Independent Herbalife Distributor who never sells anything. I actually got into it for the discount on my own food items. Who knew sponsoring my MIL would cause her to be wonder sponsor, trainer, weight-loss person......she makes me sick sometimes but she has replaced her income from her full time job with the part time work she does. I on the other hand have had a total of 4 customers - one was my MIL, the other had such a bad detox period she was told by her Dr. that she should have never tried the stuff and the other two I think bought it because they wanted to help me but then ran out of money to continue. Me on the other hand I just plain can't afford it anymore. So I was looking at the Michael Thurmond 6-week body makeover diet. My boss/principal/friend has done this for the past year and she is looking HOTT. She gave us lunch ladies a copy of her diet so we can know what to eat as we all fall into the same category. I took the quiz thing online to be sure but I am. So I went out and bought some of the foods and now its back to willpower again. You basically end up eating 6 meals a day or every 2 or 2.5 hours. So I am starting this tomorrow and will walk in the afternoon and see how long the path really is.

We shall see how well I do this time. I want this weight gone. I can't stand looking at myself like this anymore. I hate buying clothes that fit only to grow out of them in a few months time because I have gained weight. If I'm going to buy new clothes it better be because i have lsot weight not gained it. I put a picture of me on my fridge from High School - back when I was about 170 lbs. My friend saw it and and said "thats you? wow you were pretty!" Notice the were in that sentance. The only upside I have had was my brother - the twig who finally weighs over 150 lbs. and prolly fits the size 36 pants that he has been wearing baggy forever. He said to me at Easter that I was fat - yeah I know not nice - but it was the "you can't weigh more than I do" comment that I really loved. Either he thinks I have always weighed less than him (HAHAHAHAHAHA never true) or he thinks that no matter what I look like that I am not almost 250 lbs.

Dinner time now. Nite everyone in Jland. ~Hugs~Jen

Quick dash.......

Just a quick update as I need to run out the door in a few minutes. But I went down a few lbs - yea! Thanks to Sherry for the comment. :) I like how your blog is set up and your post/entry on how to get on track. I've done that its just staying on track that gets me. I've finally set up my stinkin' pedometer so that I know how many steps I have actually taken in a day. >.> I never realized that I had to do that and was quite happy with how many steps/miles I'd been walking before. Hopefully it being dropped in the toilet (it was clean! lol) a few months back won't effect it too much. :-D Ok out the door time and I'll get back on tonight and post the rest of the days activities and foods. ~Hugs~Jen

Here's my food for the rest of Monday, Tuesday and today so far:

Mon. - I'll be totally honest......3 cupcakes wiht frosting, 2 pieces of toast with 1 tbsp of p.b. each, 6 pieces of chocolate from the Whitman's sampler I had, and chicken alfredo with spaghetti noodles and parm. cheese. 1/8 mile (approx.) walk for work.

Tues. - >.< 2 cupcakes with frosting, 8 cups (give or take a cup I didn't measure it) air popped pocorn with parm. cheese, 2 8" beef tacos with cheese, mild taco sauce and sour cream. 1/2 mile (approx.) walk for work.

Wed. - 2 pieces of toast with 1 tbsp. p.b. each, 1/2 orange.

Blargh!!!

So a new year and a new goal, right? Yup even more weight to lose. Last year I started out good but gained it all back and then some from the stress of everything. If you can't be happy - eat! That was my motto. SO this year is starting out great........stinkin' kids birthdays that want cupcakes made for parties......and I make homemade frosting that I HAVE to sample to make sure it tastes great. >.< Can you say sabotage?

So just as I am embracing my size 22 (stretch mind you) jeans they are beginning to get tight. I've decided that I am not buying new jeans unless they have to be a smaller size. Good goal right? I figure it would be nice to fit into the size 20s that I have - minus the crowbar that it would take to get me into them right now. This is my goal for the next 2 months - to lose enough weight (approx. 20 lbs.) to fit in the 20s and have them be lose (or as close to it as possible) once again. I can do this. I want to do this. I need support to do this. Because I know losing the weight will help with my sleeping problems, will get me in shape and make it so I don't feel like dying after being on stage for 10 minutes dancing. I'd like to not lose my breath and be able to sing the song all the way through while dancing. The whole reason I got into the worship team for the kids was someone thought my voice was good. But with the dancing and singing at the same time - there is no prayer of my being able to do both at the same time right now. So I have two goals - drop 20 in 2 months and to get into shape to be able to sing and dance at same time. Hmmm is that anything like walking and chewing gum at the same time....seeing as I have problems walking sometimes this might be hard. Oh wait thats only where stairs are involved. ;) Sorry a little humor at my own wxpense. I can trip up the stairs - they hate me. lol

Well I am off to exercise now and see hwo that goes. As you can see from my ticker - no weight lost. I'm starting over and its 80 lbs not 50 lbs that I'm losing this year. Hope all is well for those of you still reading this and Happy New Year.... a little late. :)

~Hugs~Jen

 

Breakfast - Herbalife Dutch Chocolate Shake

Exercise - Walk the Walk with Leslie Sansone - 30 min. mile

UGH >.<

My mind just goes 'bleh?!?!?!?!' as I look at this ticker compared to the last time. I've gone up 1 lb. (I know for a fact it was more but >.> shhhhhhh don't tell!) or rather come back down almost to that last weigh in weight.  Back on the diet wagon with a purpose. I have become a worship leader in my oldest's Sunday school class. You may be asking - 'why would you need to be in shape for that?' Well its not your ordinary Sunday school class - worship leaders sing and dance and jump around and be crazy. So in order to do that and live....I, er mean breathe afterwards I need to lose some weight and get into better shape. There are other reasons related to a potential job offer but I'll get into that at another time. So we started to get up early and jog/walk the park where we live. My mornings look like this after as I get to have coffee........

Hehehehe I love Garfield! That one cracked me up for days so I kept it around. My downfall for the week - hubby buying and making 5 dozen cookies and pop to do something "special" - SABOTAGE!!!!!!!! But my highlight of the last week has been that the girls are back in school. All 3 ALL DAY LONG!!!!!! If you can't tell I'm doing a happy dance and have been since Wednesday. LOL All in all its been a good week and here is why.....

The PTO board had our first meeting on Thursday at which I was asked if I was still interested in working the Half mile club on Mon./Fri. during lunch. Of course I said yes as I still have no job prospects (havent heard back from the library about that position yet....). Plus there might be an opening as a lunchroom supervisor (read lunch lady hehe) at my kids school which would go well with the 1/2 mile club job. Just had to wait for the go-ahead from the principal and the school board. I'm half way there and if I'm okay'd I already have a subbing position - well potential in the lunchroom.  <--- Me jumping for joy. hehehe Then I went for my training on Friday to be one of the worship leaders in my oldests class. Read - creative outlet that does not require storing extra things (ie. albums, paper, beads, etc.)! So thats my week in a nutshell.

Hope you all are well and having a great week. ~Hugs~Jen

Bleh

No change in weight this past week much. Not gone up or down but sticking at 243.4 lbs. I've been doing pretty good with the snacking and eating what I should not what I want. Even though there is a chocolate brownie in the cupboard calling my name. One of those individual make in a bowl ones. As well as having two kinds of brownie mix in there too. But I've been really good seeing as we have had those for a month now and I haven't broke down and made them to eat them. I just have to remember to cut back on my breads and to only have one hamburger at dinner and not the two that were made for me........even though they are so yummy! All in all - I'm good because its not going up. I was very mad at myself for letting it get back up to 246 lbs so fast. But I back to working on it and we shall see where it takes me. Now if only I liked my stair stepper or bike enough to use them. >.> haha

Take care and have a great weekend. Thanks Julie for reading and commenting! :) ~Hugs~Jen

Life goes on....

So weighed in at 243.4 lbs this morning. Not bad considering it had been up to 246 lbs last week. Part of it was anxiety about the surgery and just saying 'screw this' and eating whatever was put in front of me. Not the best diet or way to lose weight! LOL

So the surgery for bigger biopsies was on the 13th, went well and no complications as of yet. Told it would take 3.5 hrs from start to waking up in recovery - procedure itself was 15 minutes. I was out of there in 3 hrs and thats with the registration nurse yelling at me for having half my chart say just my married name and the other half having my hyphenated name. Technically both are my legal name depending on which document you look at, but anyways. I woke at 8:30 am after the surgery and they released me by 9. Went for breakfast - pancakes, bacon and hash browns with coffee and orange juice - comfort food. Yum! Took my pain pills got home at 10 and was out until 1:30 pm. Was off the meds by Sunday and mostly back to normal. I go in August 1 to get the results. Will be the first time that we actually sit and discuss them in the office vs. over the phone. Results will be back tomorrow but my Dr. is still on vacation which is why I have to wait another week.

But after seeing 246 lbs on my scale I got back on my diet wagon. Also realized I wasn't drinking as much water as I should be. So now its a matter of making sure I drink enough water and watching what I am eating. Which I am doing again and trying to make sure that I am not sabotaging myself - ie. no more chocolate unless its my diet food. Gotta love chocolate flavored shakes! :-D

When it rains it pours.....

Back to the on again off again journaling. Weighing in at 241 lbs last time I weighed myself. Having some medical problems and having surgery this Friday in the morning. So I'm frustrated and not eating right and generally making things worse. But its making me happy at the time. Which is a good and bad thing. I know I shouldn't eat what I want - the chocolate, smores, cocoa puffs cereal....but I get the happy endorphins from it and it makes me forget for a while. But I get frustrated with myself because the weight is coming back - thats the bad part of eating all that stuff.

I have some abnormal - read precancerous cells that need to be removed. I already had one surgery to remove them and had my recheck and there were more. Go figure. So its another surgery thats more invasive and has me a little worried. Which is why I think God had me volunteer in my kids Sunday School 2 weeks ago. The verse was 1 Peter 5:7 Give all your anxieties to God for he cares for you. Can you say hello hammer? And I always remember that somewhere in the Bible is the verse about God not giving you more than he knows you can handle. Just once I'd like to not be able to handle as much as I do, ya know? lol But I worry because this is a surgery that is to be done in an OR not the Doctor's office liek the last one, money is tight with all the testing and having to meet my deductible so my insurance will pay thier 80%, etc., etc., etc.

The girls are playing at a friends at the moment so it gave me some time to check mail and post in my journal. Thanks to those of you who find me and comment that it takes one step at a time. I know this all to well - but it never hurts to be reminded of it. :) Hope you all are having a great summer and I will try to blog more. It might not be about weight loss everytime as I need a place to vent stuff. But then so does everyone. Its usually here or my myspace page. www.myspace.com/butterflichix5 feel free to add me if you have a page there too. Well off to make some lunch for me before I forget. ~Hugs~Jen